as the year comes to an end, and christmas is two days away. i find myself thinking about the two funerals that we attended this year both were expected on some level, neither grandpa or father ted had been in good health for a while . they were both navy men, and both intelligent men. as well as smart asses of this highest order. the twinkle in father ted's eye was something i have not seen in many people. there was a true fire burning in his soul for knowledge and to teach and for God. he said the motto for his life was that which is freely given, freely give and he did that in so many ways. he talked to every person at their own level. we only talked with him a few times but he connected. if only we had take more time with him.  Grandpa also had that spark for his family and you could tell until the last day that even though his body and mind were failing him that his intelligence and personality were still there. To see him push himself to show up to Jak's birthday and then try to hold the door for grandma when he could bearly hold him self up. a gentleman and a gentle man until the end. to every thing there is a season... hopefully our season of death is over for at least a short while.

with christmas coming up, and having worked for the first time in three years it amazes me the amount of money that i spend on things that mean nothing. the piles of things that we had to have take over the house. and the things that really matter are drowned out by the need to work to pay for all the stuff. i am going to try to spend less time and money on things that dont really matter in the long run.

 woman is as common as a loaf of bread and like a loaf of bread will rise.... anon.

between listening to wpr and the moth, i have been thinking alot the last few days about telling my story... it is not a story that is rare or out of the ordinary but it is uniquelly mine. I was the mother of three children, i had been married seven years, i was at least 120 lbs overweight. in the last year i had suffered a mis carriage and experienced the death of my grandmother, an experience that is a story in itself. that is a story about how to convince an elderly person to extend their own life unnaturally for the comfort of the people around them. its not a pleasant story, but neither is my story. less than a year after i miscarried the 1st time i found myself pregnant again, great! love it. always thought we would have a big family. but every weird wrong thing that could happen during my last pregnancy did. i spotted from my anus, having torn something but it would be okay. i became so constipated that i was in pain and had to stay home. for three days i drank myself till i thought well if it doesnt come out the bottom maybe it will float to the top. but i was pregnant and that was great. until the weekend when something caused alarm, i dont remember what it was but it made me intensely nervous and despite the midwife on the phone telling me it would all be okay, i didnt believe her. it didnt help that she had told me it would all be okay last time and i had miscarried before i got to the office on the next monday morning. so i went to work on monday and what ever had alarmed me had passed but i decided to go to the dr because i just didnt feel right about all of this, and they were all happy and cheery and they put the heart monitor on my belly and nothing. just my heart beat. but i thought i felt the baby moving and she was telling me this is normal, so i didnt panic yet. and she decides to take me in for an ultra sound. and the little screen comes up and no one says anything because there is nothing on the screen. and i looked at the tech and said something like... i have three kids i have seen these before thats not good , i want my husband now. and they left the room and i called my husband and i had to tell him to come to the dr. because we had lost the baby. and they take me back to their little room and i sit their alone while i wait for him. and the midwife comes in and tell me that i have two really shitty options. well she didnt say it that way but they were. i can have a d and c where they tear the baby up that i just saw not moving on the screen and vacuum it out, or i can deliver the baby in the maternity ward. we choose to deliver and are told to go home because the hospital is too busy and that we can go in tomorrow. we go home, i dont remember if we tried to make krumkake that night or one of the nights after we got home, but when ever we did it, we were both so dazed we forgot to time every single batch, and you are making batches like every thirty seconds.... so we go in the next day and i immediately notice the butterfly on my door. that is like the big nurse warning light... dead baby ahead. and they assign me a grief nurse and explain that i am going to bascially go through an abbreviated version of giving birth, abbreviated because i was only 20 weeks so the baby would be smaller. they hooked me up to some pitosin and an epidural. and we waited and waited and waited. me and pete. i felt nothing, we cried alot. and when it was time, they delivered this tiny tiny baby. and we held it, and you couldnt tell if  it was a boy or a girl. and we had it with us for a long time, and we talked to our baby and they took pictures of it. and when it was time for the baby to go to the morgue my husband being the fabulous dad that he is took the baby to the morgue... and when he came back the focus was on getting me up and going to the bathroom before i went to bed so my attention was on this tiny wisp of a nurse who was going to help me to the bathroom, and my trying not to crush her. and i slept in  the sleeper bed next to pete that night, because i decided these nurses no longer had the power to tell me what to do after i pooped for them. and we were woken up a couple of times by these totally unproductive high pitched screams and i would look at pete and say something like dang they should really shut up , what they are doing isnt helping anyway. and at like 3 am we decided we wanted to go home and we couldnt, and then pete got sick and he was sick for what felt like hours, in the bathroom and going and going and going.... and the next morning when we got up, we packed up our stuff and the big purple box they were sending us home wth and the nurse ladys phone number and we went to the funeral home, to figure out how we wanted to deal with the remains of this life that never really got started, that had just captured our hearts and crushed our souls in a matter of a few days. and then we went out for lunch... and i only remember selected things after that about our daughters short life.... being told we had probably lost her 3 weeks before, and the movement i swore i was feeling up to the ultrasound was nothing.... being told that the certificate that i had filed to make her a citizen in the eyes of the state wasnt valid because i wasnt far enough along when we lost her.... finding out that she was a she and mailing out cards with her name on them... Xenia Ruth Deladis Bernstein. and then 6 months later around the time she would have been born, having the guts to go to the cemetary and lay her to rest in the plot where the babies are buried. She was buried with our other baby that we miscarried, a baby I imagine as a boy named Gabriel) so that she could be with God. when we buried her, we did it like we did everything else in her life. no one else from the family just me and pete, keeping one another strong.

camping and back pain

down and out. when my back gives me problems there isnt much that i can do, except stretch and then wait it out.... but this time i pushed through and went camping, stupid probably, left me irritable and cranky most defintely but was it worth it. yes and no, seeing family that we dont often see is definitely worth it, the being away from home part, i could take or leave. and today,  i spend the day playing on my computer and watching tv because there isnt much else my body can do.

last night as a screamed like a young girl and hid from bat that i was sure was going to attack me i remembered how greatful i am for my husband. a truth that  i dont acknowledge often enough. with a head as thick as a brick wall and the inability to understand what ever goes on in my head/ mood. sometimes i think awful thoughts about leaving, but i know i have no where to go and would be no better off. he is where i belong, and i just need to work harder and pulling my weight and explaining my feelings to him.

when i come to the end of all of the light that i know
 and i look out in to the darkness,
 that i have the faith that if i step out in to the darkness,
 i'll land on solid ground or i learn how to fly....

its amazing that even after coming to peace with the fact that i dont believe in the divinity of Jesus, that seeing other people who believe in it so whole heartedly i can feel broken. like there is a peace missing.  i dont know that i want to be one those people who hollers things out during church, or waves my arms around like a crazy person but it is a little disconcerting to be surrounded by people who dont see things the same way that i do. it makes me wish i had a congregation who understood God's great power but who understands Jesus as a really fabulous person, not a divine being. it almost seems like Jesus is a better person for being able to have so much strength as a human.

gratitude.

today my jak celebrates his 8th birthday while he is away at camp. i am truly grateful to God for him, and to all of my children. All 5 of them. Even the two whom i have never met, and whom we dont enjoy here, have taught me so much.

other people in my life have taught me alot as well, some i can thank, and others i no longer talk to. Sometimes you have to make a clean break and walk away but when you have only dated a few people, or have only had a few friends you remember those faces, and its better if you can remember the good with the bad. there are reasons that you spent time with these people, why you let them in to your circle. music is a serious part of my life because i dated some one who had a love of music, it was always on, and much of it  i had never heard of, but it has come full circle has pops up later on. It is what it is, there is little we can do to change it.

turning a corner

tonight i dropped annika at camp. she was quiet all day, slept in the car and was in tears when i left. and so was i. i knew that she was scared, worried that she would have no friends, that she would miss out on something because of her size. I know exactly how she felt because i lived that fear everytime i was left somewhere as a kid. i also know that having my parents there made it worse. so i gathered my courage and i walked away. i should i have done it more quickly but she was so sad. it will be a different week with out her but she is growing up. it is a turning point for both of us

sometimes it sucks

wanting to make changes in your life, when your life is integrated in to so many other peoples is difficult. and it sucks.

i want to lose weight,
stay on budget,
stop participating in church,
focus on my/ our priorities and less on other peoples
live in a clean, clutter free house

and without removing myself from my family i cant seem to do that, and since i am not going to remove myself from my family i am stuck. then i get angry and we argue. and its all my damn fault. because i do this and i do that and its all about shitty i am . so how do you make changes in your life with one arm tied behind your back, this is something i have spent 10 years trying to figure out. and without the pills it is like a raw open wound, that is going to bother me until i start taking the pills or start making some changes.

sometimes you ask for advice expecting to have your feelings affirmed and for everything to be okay. when that doesnt happen it is painful. acknowledging that i dont believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that he did not rise from the dead took me a long time, saying it out loud took even longer. i dont understand how other folks think that this is going to change. i am tired of lying to people, tired of having my family think that i am this holy person that i am not. and i am tired of hearing that if i keep hanging on it will come back around. how come my faith return if it wasnt really there to begin with

the end of an era

Kj lost her first tooth yesterday. and with it went a part of our lives that we wont live again...having babies, and toddler types around the house. it makes me kind of sad. we look at the baby stuff at the store and there is no one to buy it for, so we keep walking. pete and i were talking about how nice it will be when its just the two of us, surprisingly we are closer to having fewer people in the house than we are to the time when we started adding new babies. in a few short years we will start saying good bye to our kids as they move out. Annika is only starting 4 grade but it seems like yesterday that she was born.  Andy gets married in two days and that gets me think too. about new beginnings, about they days when we were planning all that. i love where we are now, this comfortable loving partnership. but somedays i miss the new beginnings.

why?

why would pete give me coffee at 11:45 at night and then expect me to go to sleep.
why does the dog think sleeping in a suitcase is comfortable.
why does planning for next year for homeschool scare the crap out of me.
why did i make a quilt for someone i barely know
why cant i even start a diet.
why does my back hurt
why do i have allergies and what am i allergic too

the kids come home tomorrow

i am so wiped out. the kids come home tomorrow and we got so much work done while they were gone but there is still alot to do. this auction is going to be a lot more work than i realized. i agreed to send out the letters but i have a feeling that i am going to get jammed in to taking the whole thing on and i dont have the time.... on the school front the cabinet is looking better, new books will be arriving soon, and summer school starts in a week. kind of scary but at the same time  a good time to get myself excercising, get the food under control and get school planned for next year. time to finish father ted's quilt and put the quilting away for a while.

rain, rain

its raining outside, and it is awful quiet outside and in here too. with the kids on vacation, the music can blare even with the occasional dirty word. it fills the quiet house but not quite as well as 3 noisy short people . i miss their chaos but its nice to be able to be me for a while, to get things done with out constant interruption, to relax and know that they are in good hands and having a good time. the lucky mutt just got his fill of popcorn when i fumbled my shoebox full of fresh hot off the stove popcorn. i guess thats less calories i will eat, he ended with out 1/2 of the box and he cleaned up every bit, now he is behind me snoring away.  it doesnt feel like it should take hours and hours to buy curriculum but i want to get the best deal so having multiple tabs with multiple shopping carts, comparing prices is a big job. when the boxes start showing up in the mail, it will be so fun to open them up and see what it all looks like but that is when  the job will truly begin... getting through the books, planning the next year. i often wonder if i am doing them any good by teaching them at home. but when Anni asks to take her school books on vacation and jak cries at the idea of going back to "regular" school. it feels better, i know that with a few tweaks we will do okay.

last day of year one

today is the last official day of our first year of homeschooling, overall it was okay. it took alot of adjustment on everyone's part and there were a lot of intense days. days where i wanted to send everyone back to school as quickly as they could get dressed but in the end, it was totally worth it. even up to this week i questioned the sanity of trying this for another year but my next big task is ordering curriculum, so it is in my court if i want to change things. the kids overall seemed to enjoy homeschooling, they were healthy most of the winter, and we got through a lot of work, went on a lot of field trips. pendarvis, the first capitol, the frog exhibit, the harley museum, olbrich gardens, the varsity band concert, homeschool camp, the milwaukee public museum.. a 2nd time for the mummy exhibit and the mining museum/jameson museum in platteville. we read some really good books together, the Education of Little Tree (that one was kind a snooze for mom), The Witches, Al Capone Does My Shirts and the one that i think was the favorite and most likely the longest; Percy Jackson and the Olympians.  we met lots of cool people through a number of homeschool groups and i learned that we cannot do it all, and that it is okay to not do it all. we dropped out of holy family homeschoolers midway through the year, and started spending more time withe the stateline homeschool group. next year we are looking forward to more field trips, a better science curriculum and lots more reading.