broken
defeated
burned out
worn down
lost
trapped
emotionally drained.
in the wrong place
heart hurting

when you are going along and for the most part think you are doing well. to go to the dr. and be told that you are doing so many things wrong. that you are putting up with things you shouldnt be worrying about and that the things you do to relax are actually stimulating you is kind of frightening. many things i have been doing, like staying up late on the internet and watching tv are bad but to be told that the book reading and meditation talks arent doing what they should be is upsetting. well its time to make some small changes again

feeling conflicted in so many ways. to get a new dog or not, to continue with public school or not. how to encourage a healthier life style for the entire family. it is also intensely difficult to continue being sooo over scheduled, when i crave peace and quiet. with no one to talk to i just mull it over and over in mind. but with a complete lack of confidence i am never sure if i am making the right decision.

even the kids have noticed how quickly the days go by, they sometimes get frustrated when they feel like they have wasted an entire day. They dont realize that the days where nothing seems to happen sometimes are the est. We have had years where it felt like we were living on a roller coaster, riding along on the highs of weddingsm, and new babies and then plunging in to the valleys where we comforted each other threw grief and loss. 2012 was not one of those years. we followed a more steady path. and took the time to make some tough decisions. we thought  more about what was important and enjoyed the small moments  a dated night at the shitty barr listening to charlie parr, or the project lodge seeing the steel wheels, a mother son lunch to see ann and chris and try thai food. a theatre show, long summer days spent at the pool, or indoors avoiding the heat, or reading harry potter, lots and lots of harry potter. the kid keep on keeping on at school, and jak and annika started piano lessons, and everyone joined swim team. Annika started and contines to work on her first big community service projecct, Building free little libraries and we closed the year swimming at the ymca, ignoring mass quantities of political robocalls, exploring our creativity and spending time with our faily. These may not be the days captured in our photos, or the doing things that will change the world but i think 2012 helped us build an appreciation of our frined and family. and taught us that time well spent is offten captured in the small mommets.

on days like today where as a nation we are looking back at a human catastrophe, i think about the fear that i felt on 9-11-2001. Stuck in an office without access to current information, relying on printed pages to explain the magnitude of what was happening. I was six months pregnant with Annika and in the days that followe there was a definite sense of dread. what was i bringing this little girl in too. those days that followed it seemed like there was going to be an attack around every corner. that this unknown enemy was going to start bombing every corner of the united states and we would always be on red alert. although there have been international incidents there has been no other international terrorists that have accomplished that kind of massive attack on our country in the last 11 years. it makes me glad that i didnt let the fear get to me, that we moved on with our plans for a family. to have lived in the shadow of that fear would have been a regret that we would have never moved past. this is why i am so thankful that i have a husband that would do anything to protect me and his family, he brings out of the fear and back in to enjoying the little things about every day life.

having a missing memphis moment. the freedom of having personal space, and little responsibilty. loving four other people takes a lot of me emotionally, and i selfishly think that i dont have that much of me to give... there are so many questions that are up in the air right now. and part of me is completely torn about the idea of sleeping alone. the other part of me thinks that having space to be my own person, could be the best way to love my family.

creativity is where i am at, where i feel most at home and where i feel the most like myself. how do i find time to do what is so important?