turning a corner

tonight i dropped annika at camp. she was quiet all day, slept in the car and was in tears when i left. and so was i. i knew that she was scared, worried that she would have no friends, that she would miss out on something because of her size. I know exactly how she felt because i lived that fear everytime i was left somewhere as a kid. i also know that having my parents there made it worse. so i gathered my courage and i walked away. i should i have done it more quickly but she was so sad. it will be a different week with out her but she is growing up. it is a turning point for both of us

sometimes it sucks

wanting to make changes in your life, when your life is integrated in to so many other peoples is difficult. and it sucks.

i want to lose weight,
stay on budget,
stop participating in church,
focus on my/ our priorities and less on other peoples
live in a clean, clutter free house

and without removing myself from my family i cant seem to do that, and since i am not going to remove myself from my family i am stuck. then i get angry and we argue. and its all my damn fault. because i do this and i do that and its all about shitty i am . so how do you make changes in your life with one arm tied behind your back, this is something i have spent 10 years trying to figure out. and without the pills it is like a raw open wound, that is going to bother me until i start taking the pills or start making some changes.

sometimes you ask for advice expecting to have your feelings affirmed and for everything to be okay. when that doesnt happen it is painful. acknowledging that i dont believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that he did not rise from the dead took me a long time, saying it out loud took even longer. i dont understand how other folks think that this is going to change. i am tired of lying to people, tired of having my family think that i am this holy person that i am not. and i am tired of hearing that if i keep hanging on it will come back around. how come my faith return if it wasnt really there to begin with

the end of an era

Kj lost her first tooth yesterday. and with it went a part of our lives that we wont live again...having babies, and toddler types around the house. it makes me kind of sad. we look at the baby stuff at the store and there is no one to buy it for, so we keep walking. pete and i were talking about how nice it will be when its just the two of us, surprisingly we are closer to having fewer people in the house than we are to the time when we started adding new babies. in a few short years we will start saying good bye to our kids as they move out. Annika is only starting 4 grade but it seems like yesterday that she was born.  Andy gets married in two days and that gets me think too. about new beginnings, about they days when we were planning all that. i love where we are now, this comfortable loving partnership. but somedays i miss the new beginnings.

why?

why would pete give me coffee at 11:45 at night and then expect me to go to sleep.
why does the dog think sleeping in a suitcase is comfortable.
why does planning for next year for homeschool scare the crap out of me.
why did i make a quilt for someone i barely know
why cant i even start a diet.
why does my back hurt
why do i have allergies and what am i allergic too

the kids come home tomorrow

i am so wiped out. the kids come home tomorrow and we got so much work done while they were gone but there is still alot to do. this auction is going to be a lot more work than i realized. i agreed to send out the letters but i have a feeling that i am going to get jammed in to taking the whole thing on and i dont have the time.... on the school front the cabinet is looking better, new books will be arriving soon, and summer school starts in a week. kind of scary but at the same time  a good time to get myself excercising, get the food under control and get school planned for next year. time to finish father ted's quilt and put the quilting away for a while.